i was so excited for this year because of my new friends but then i realized… all my new friends live on the other side of the world (some literally on the other side of the world) and i kinda barely have friends in any of my classes? idk like it’ll be good and i do have friends but i was just so excited for friends and it literally didnt hit me until i was in class when i was like.. wait… none of them go to my school… or barely even live in my state…
im EXHAUSTED i smell like grease and french fries and sweat but i had such a nice day. i’ve had such a nice summer and i think today encompassed it. been a weird summer of feelings and non feelings but im honestly really happy with this summer im really not ready for it to end.
ALSO public transportation is my vibeee i fuckin love this bus i love transportation especially buses and planes and trains god god god theyre my biggest IRL inspirations tbh
here i am on the bus heading back from an amazing day. spent the day at the gross state fair but it was with one of favorite people in the universe doing my favorite thing in the universe which is filming and being creative and talking about our film. i also saw one of my best friends from camp who i missed so much i love him!!!!! my film bff also met up with some of his friends today and theyre really not my Normal crowd but they were honestly awesome, i really love one of his friends who just tells puns all the time i think hes amazing. i hung out with all boys today and literally… thats where i feel most comfortable… with girls i feel like i conform to be like who they want but with boys i feel like.. its honestly just me? i really dont know how to explain it. when i was little i was super tomboy and its been really hard embracing femininity and being a girl like i was always embarassed of having a higher voice and wearing makeup and taking care of how i look but since high school when ive been hanging out with more boys ive embraced femininity a lot more i dont know if it has anything to do with it but? im rambling im sorry. i think i would rather be friends with boys and rather date girls? ya know? i dont know. anyway school starts in 12 hours and im not ready but also very ready.
this bus has wifi?? life is incredible. anyway some thoughts:
1. on the bus to the state fair last day of summer seeing my bff
2. paramore didnt do anklebiters. hmm
3. we’re here so bye
i have 1 day before school starts. 1 day. and im gonna spend it at the state fair with someone who i think i may be in love with filming and being creative he’s bringing a filming rig and a tripod??? im literally in love with him?? this is so upsetting because #1 he’s a boy and im very ? about boys but like.. we honestly just have such a connection its so.. #2 i bet im gonna fall in love with everyone at film school because thats like.. my main reason why im in love with him and like if i get into film school and im surrounded by film and people who love film all the time i’ll just die.. i’ll be in heaven.. i’ll fall in love with EVERYONE #3 he lives so damn far away that i can’t easily go see him and like my ideal is to have someone to kiss a bit but i can’t go see him because he lives such an unreasonable distance from me like.. if we ever started being a thing it would have to be real thing and not just a physical kiss n fuck thing… #4 he’s not even conventionally attractive like he’s a nerdy white boy… why does this ALWAYS happen to me… get nerdy white boys away from me…
whatever im going through a dilemma its also 2am and i really gotta get sleepin but i dont know if thats happening any time soon so…. later i guess
Chloe indulges in strawberry soft-serve
and licks her fingers after and this feels better
than the time she let a boy put his face between
her thighs, this feels better than when she took
three Tylenol for a headache, this feels better
than when she finally accepted her imminent death.
Chloe doesn’t remove her jeans before bed
and doesn’t believe in prayer. Chloe wakes up
with her mascara smeared and four new texts.
Don’t you think it’s time to stop romanticizing
un-sharpened pencils, Chloe? Don’t think
you’re fooling anyone with the broken eggshells
stuffed into the kitchen sink. Chloe will hold
the hand of someone who is very important to her
before the end of the week but for the life of her
she can’t stop crying into her coffee over boys who
don’t care. Sometimes she almost forgets her name
but then she finds the CD with it scribbled on like an
afterthought. Chloe, I know how sad you are.
I hear it every time the needle skips.